Married Love

Married Love

By Belinda Rachman, Esq.

Let's start with an underlying assumption. Good relationships are not easy. When NBC did a story called Project Everlasting, they interviewed 200 couples that had been married at least 40 years and every single one of them said they had been through some rough times. So the road to love is not smooth. You can respect someone without loving him or her but you can't love someone without respecting him or her. Respect means not belittling their ideas. Which manner will result in having a powerful union?

The 2nd thing that is needed to create a strong relationship is the ability for each side to compromise. Resentments will build up if one person takes more than they give. But at the same time you shouldn't be playing goalkeeper by making sure everything is exactly 50/50. When both of you have an intention to be respectful of each other and to allow the other person to have their way half the time, the place you are coming from should just naturally create many satisfying results for each of you.

The 3rd thing you must have is open and honest communication. Most people are not mind readers and shouldn't be made to feel like they don't really know or love you unless they automatically understand what is going on with you. Give an emotional weather report. Don't wait for that one last straw that breaks the camels back to blow up. There are no victims when people take responsibility for their choices.

Peter Drucker, renowned management specialist, says that 60 percent of management problems result from faulty communication. Effective communication is based on knowing our thoughts, desires, motives and feelings - being honest with them and expressing them creatively.

Never fight and bicker over meaningless things like the best way to clean the sink or if the toilet paper rolls over or under. I am NOT saying to stuff what really bothers you but if leaving the toothpaste cap off bothers you that much, you need to toughen up.

It is very rare that a couple has the same needs at the same time. Expect to be traveling different paths at certain points. Throughout history martyrs are often killed.

Not knowing when your spouse is being 100% truthful really erodes the respect and remembers you can respect someone without loving them but you can't love someone without respecting them. OK, if she says, "Does this make me look fat?" and you feel like she won't change her clothes if you say yes, then you can lie but if you continually underestimate what you are spending on purchases or overestimate how much time you actually need to travel from work to home, after a while your spouse just isn't going to trust you.

You want someone you can trust to drive the getaway car and not rat you out to the cops if they are caught. If honesty is important between thieves, it should be to you too. You create your life through intention and action. I wish you good speed on your journey and know that you can create the relationship you intend.